The Long Goodbye

We're taking a small breather around our house today. I have "sick leave" for some doctor's appointments, and My Prince--well, he never seems to get a breather, actually. He's messing with some "toys" in the garage (he calls them "tools," but they're still toys) right now, but soon he'll be off to do yet another good deed for one of our elders.

But, in a sense, he, too, will be getting a small break from the work of the past few weeks, which has been one more step in saying goodbye to his mother. Two weekends ago, we had the family together to select the items in his mother's home that they wanted. Last weekend, we completed the work of emptying her house and getting it ready for sale. On Tuesday, he closed the sale, which gives us a tough milestone in our goodbyes.

Going through the house with the relatives was a bit of a zoo. I preferred a bit more orderly process than what occurred, so the event was somewhat stressful for me. Not the least of the stress was wondering what value various people were actually placing on the things that they took. At least one seemed somewhat mercenary. Except for one or two things that were particularly special to My Prince and me, we generally stood back to let the others have their choices.

The irony, of course, is that we were more than satisfied with the "leavings." We had already looked through the house and had the opportunity to look at how things were arranged, how my mother-in-law ordered her life, the things that she thought were worth holding on to. It was a chance to get to know her better and gather more memories to treasure. After the family event, things were in serious disarray, but we had the responsibility of packing up and disposing of the remainder. We were surprised at how much stuff was buried in the back of closets and hidden away on shelves. My mother-in-law had more storage space that we realized, and she used it all.

The packing up took several days. We didn't expect there to be quite so much to pack, but it was quite astonishing. On one day, we loaded my car up entirely with items for Goodwill. My Prince's car was loaded up with garbage and recycling. The garbage haul was because the area where my mother-in-law lived would only remove one small can of garbage per week. We had to haul things back home and pay for the extra bags, but at least we could get it disposed of. And the recycling? My mother-in-law saved every plastic container that came her way. She saved bread bags. She saved the zipper bags that tortillas and other foods come in. She saved canning jars and jars that could be made to work for canning. I filled at least 5 tubs of recycling from her kitchen and laundry room. I also filled up two large sacks of recyclable plastic bags. And wire hangers! A couple of bags of those, too.

Her thrift extended to other areas as well. Many of the items that we found in her closets and drawers were brand new, some even with the sales tag still on them. Many of these we could identify as things that we had given her in the past. There were an astonishing number of gifts when we thought about it. Birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day, Valentine's Day. I also sent presents when My Prince went to visit and I couldn't come along. Little things mostly--and she saved them all. Many were clearly still unused. But she kept them and, I hope, enjoyed the thought that went with them.

What we also found were many items that had been used and reused well past the point of ordinary usefulness. Her dishrags were rags. Her dishtowels were old pillow cases. Her bath towels were quite worn--even when there were at least two dozen brand new towels still in the cupboard. There were at least three brand new robes hanging in her closet, one with the price tag still on it. Nice fleecy warm robes. What she apparently wore was thin and clearly old.

While we were cleaning and clearing out, the weather would change from cold to warm and back again. Whenever the clothes I had with me weren't suitable for the weather, I just went to her closet to see what might fit me among her work clothes. My favorite must have been one of hers as well. A nice soft and faded pair of jeans with a patch on the behind.

The kitchen took a lot of time because my mother-in-law was a grand cook. I now have two boxes of cookbooks and a huge number of recipes that she wrote out by hand or clipped from various sources. Another room that took quite a bit of work was the sewing room, because she was also a fine seamstress. Aside from the many yards of material and boxes of sewing notions (an entire box of elastic, another of buttons), there was a whole wall of shelves and drawers to be gone through.

The shelves held great treasures. Two matching coffee mugs with My Prince's grandparents' names on them. Lovely brass decorative items. Some old crystal pieces. And, zipped up in a bag from a funeral home, a worn and tattered copy of The White House Cookbook, signed by her mother in 1905.

We had to let go of some things. We could not handle the two refrigerators or the freezer. Those went to the Salvation Army, along with assorted wigs, sticky Tupperware, and other items.

Still, we kept a great deal. Our house is now full of boxes and bags and extra furniture. Some of it will replace our own rather tatty items. The grandson was apparently thrilled to get our old sofa and recliner. We are similarly thrilled to get a couch that our late and beloved cat had not christened at every available opportunity. We will really enjoy the porch swing. I will find some way to cram in more cookware--even though I am not nearly the cook that my mother-in-law was. (Fortunately, My Prince will eat anything.)

We will also give more items away. Some to my mother, some to family friends, some to my husband's stepmother (yes, she and my mother-in-law were actually friends). There is a whole garbage sack full of "old lady" purses. A huge box of shoes. A couple of closets worth of clothes.

Right now we are very slowly unpacking and sorting what we brought home. My Prince just came in to show me a small rubber tire. (Apparently there really are toys in that garage!) When he was a child, he apparently accompanied his parents to the Firestone store. The small rubber tire was then part of an ashtray. He must have played with that tire so much that the store owners gave it to him for a toy. The glass broke sometime over the years, but the rubber still looks new--even 50+ years later--and now My Prince has found another treasure. We'll have to find a dish of some sort to fit inside the little tire so he can put paper clips or something in it.

When my father died, I couldn't bear to let go of anything that he had ever touched. I wanted so much to keep him near me. I suppose I was trying to escape the fact that I had lost one of the dearest people in my world. I'm feeling the same thing with my mother-in-law's possessions. I want to hold onto her a little longer. Perhaps this is less a goodbye than a new way to get to know her. Still, I do miss her.